The Power of Doula Support Through Loss

My Story and Why It Matters. By: Ashley Rose Salvitti

My First Loss: Lena's Birth

Losing a baby is an unimaginable pain, and the journey through that grief is filled with both physical and emotional challenges. Having gone through this myself, I can say that the support I received during the birth of my stillborn daughter, Lena, made a profound difference during one of the hardest times in my life. I was fortunate to be surrounded by a compassionate team at Providence Hospital, including the incredible midwives from Rose City Midwifery, Liz and Trina, along with a caring rotation of labor and delivery nurses. The hospital midwife, Polly, who delivered Lena, was also a source of comfort. It felt good to advocating for her to deliver Lena instead of the on-call OB, a choice that gave me a sense of control in an otherwise overwhelming situation.

Christine, the doula on staff, also played a pivotal role by capturing beautiful, professional-quality photos of Lena that I will cherish forever. The hospital also created a certificate of life for her, acknowledging her existence in a way that meant the world to my family. I went home with precious mementos that help us honor our daughter, giving us something tangible to hold onto in our grief.

We were able to have an additional private room where friends and family could also meet her and connect, they too were grieving the loss.

Postpartum After Loss

After we left the hospital, the real struggle began. I remember going home with an empty car seat and returning to an empty house filled with flowers that would soon wilt and rot. Physically, I dealt with the pain of my milk coming in, with no baby to nurse. I pumped but no milk would come out, it hurt so bad. Emotionally, I was in pieces, left with a stack of papers and an invitation to join a support group, but no ongoing support for my loss. I’m forever grateful for the Brief Encounters meeting I attended, where I connected with other loss moms. That connection became a lifeline for me, offering understanding and solidarity as well as my wonderful group of family and friends that continued to reach out and be there for us.

My Second Loss: "The miscarriage"

My second experience of loss—an 11 week miscarriage just a few months later—was starkly different. I wasn’t given the same level of care, and I felt abandoned in my grief. After discovering there was no heartbeat through an ultrasound, I was sent home with no real information on what to expect. I later found myself bleeding heavily in public, with intense contractions that led me to the ER. It was my friend, who joined me and advocated for me when the hospital staff tried to send me home, despite the severity of my bleeding. Without her by my side, I don’t know what would have happened.

Looking back, I realize just how critical it is for people going through pregnancy or infant loss to have someone there for them—someone who has first hand experience and can walk with them.

I believe that everyone experiencing a loss should be offered a doula, someone who can walk with them through this journey. A doula with experience in loss understands what it means to grieve a baby and can offer the emotional, physical, and logistical support that families need during this difficult time.

What does a doula do?

A loss or bereavement doula provides invaluable support during the miscarriage or stillbirth process by offering both emotional and practical assistance. They help parents navigate the physical experience of loss, explaining what is happening to their bodies and preparing them for what to expect during the birth of their baby. Beyond medical understanding, a doula can guide parents through the emotional whirlwind—anger, sadness, guilt, and blame—providing a safe space to process those feelings without judgment.

One of the most profound aspects of a doula's support is helping families create lasting and meaningful memories of their baby. They may assist in honoring the baby's name, capturing precious photos, and finding ways to commemorate the baby's life in a special and intimate way. A doula can also help families make the birth experience personal, such as offering suggestions for rituals, providing keepsakes, or facilitating memory-making moments, like handprints or footprints, to cherish in the future.

In terms of physical support, a doula can offer comfort measures, from breathing techniques to massage, guiding parents through the often painful process of labor and birth. They may advocate for the family in medical settings, ensuring their wishes are respected and that they feel in control of their experience—whether it’s choosing who will deliver the baby or deciding on mementos to take home.

In the postpartum period, this type of support becomes just as crucial. A doula can help parents not only navigate the physical aspects of healing but also honor their grief through creative outlets, community support groups, or spiritual practices. Grief can manifest in many ways, often leaving parents feeling physically drained and emotionally overwhelmed, with little energy to manage even basic tasks. Yet, life continues around them—the laundry still piles up, meals still need to be prepared, and pets or other children still require care. Ensuring that these everyday tasks are handled can significantly ease the burden on grieving parents who may be struggling just to take care of themselves so they can have the time and space they deserve. Doulas can step in with practical support, ensuring the family is well-fed, hydrated, and cared for, while also taking on tasks like cleaning, doing laundry, or organizing pet care and childcare. They might even coordinate a meal train to further relieve the pressure.

Doulas are equipped to monitor for signs of perinatal mental health issues, which are particularly prevalent during the perinatal period, especially after loss. Since everyone grieves differently, a doula offers individualized support, guiding each family member through their unique journey of healing.

Having someone to reach out to 24/7, someone whose sole purpose is to support the grieving family, can make all the difference. A loss doula provides non-judgmental, continuous support, helping families process their grief, empowering them to take the time they need, and ensuring they don’t feel isolated. They create a safe space for all emotions, no matter how raw or overwhelming, and help families move forward with resilience instead of despair.

For families enduring the heartbreak of loss, a doula’s presence can turn a tragic experience into one that is not only bearable but also filled with moments of connection and love. The journey of loss is one no one should have to walk alone. I am so thankful for the support I had during Lena’s birth and the outlook it has provided for me to provide much needed care for this huge gap. I know how much more can be done to support families during and after loss - and I'm here to offer that now!

Doula Synergy offers a sanctuary for families experiencing loss - to provide both doula support and coaching, empowering families to navigate the complexities of grief, find healing and rediscover joy on their parenthood journey after loss.

A doula is not a luxury—it’s a lifeline.

My hope is that every family going through pregnancy or infant loss has the chance to experience the kind of care and support that only a doula can provide.

If you'd like to learn more, please Click Here to Schedule a Complimentary Intro Session with me. I'd love to discuss this in more detail, offer any resources that may be helpful and answer any questions you may have about doula support through loss.